You know, people often say to me, "Webmaster - what gives with the cows?"

"Well," I reply, "it's like this. I am the webmaster and if I want pictures of cows then I WILL HAVE PICTURES OF COWS!!!!"

Actually I don't because, as many of you know, I am an extremely sober person. The real reason is simple: Derbyshire is full of cows. Go up the Derbyshire Dales and there they are: cows. Loads of them.

Or go to the Derbyshire Peak District and what do you find? Yes..... cows. Everywhere.

Kwik Save in Bakewell? Exactly.

So I just thought it may be nice to have a  few local scenes on the site. And of course, in them are.....cows.

So now you know. Here's some stories. Lots of 'em. And a cow.

Two old guys from a rural area drank together, hard and often, at a village tavern.  One night, one of them didn't show up, and the bartender told the other, "I've got bad news.  Last night, your pal got so drunk that when he blew out the candle at bedtime, his breath caught fire and he exploded."  The other old gent was so shocked that he took an immediate pledge--never to blow out another candle.

A certain inebriate had the ability of drinking large amounts of liquor without showing any signs of it.  Even with a full load, he looked neat, spoke clearly, and could walk a straight line.  One night, loaded to the eyebrows, he entered a place and sat at a table.  When a young woman approached, he ordered a steak, medium rare.  The woman looked at him and said, "You've had too much to drink, haven't you?"  "What makes you think so?" he asked.  "Because this is a furniture store," she replied

Two guys who were juicing up in a tavern one day and chatting about this and that.  "You should pull your shades down at night," remarked one of them.  "I could see you necking with your wife last evening."  "The joke's on you," answered the other.  "I wasn't home last night."

A furious woman called an A.A. intergroup office asking:  "When are you people ever going to have an opening?  My husband has told me for months that he's still on the waiting list!"

The night desk sergeant received an off report on the telephone.  "Thieves got into my car!" said the obviously lubricated voice.  "They took the steering wheel and the pedals, and the whole dashboard's gone!"

The sergeant said he's send an officer to investigate, but a few moments later the phone rang again.  "Never mind," the same voice gurgled.  "I got into the back seat by mistake."

A minister was admonishing a half-bagged parishioner about drinking:  "Don't you know that liquor is your worst enemy?"  But Reverend," replied the boozer, "don't you always say we should love our enemies?"

A drunk walks into a bar and sits down next to a proper looking gentleman.  After a moment, the gentleman notices an awful stench coming form the man next to him.  "Excuse me sir," says the gentleman, "did you just soil yourself?"  "Why yes I did," says the drunk.  "Then pray sir, why don't you go clean yourself up?"  the gentleman asks in amazement.  To this the drunk replies, "Cause I'm not done yet!"

Two Army buddies, returning from war, had a final drink in a tavern and vowed they would meet there again in ten years.

The decade passed, and one of them traveled back to the joint, to see his old friend sitting there at the bar. "I never really believed, when we left here, that we'd actually meet here again," he said in wonder.  "Left here?" queried his obviously plastered friend. "Who left?"

A tippler too drunk to drive called a tow truck instead of a taxi to take him home from his nightly hangout.  He figured it'd cost him $10 or $15 more, but at least he'd know where his car was in the morning.

"The best thing for you to do," a physician advised his patient, "is to go on a diet and give up drinking and smoking."  "I don't think I deserve the best," the patient replied glumly.  "What's second best?"

An habitual drunk gets hauled up once again before the bench.  The presiding judge bemoans, "Look at you--a man of good education, yet here you are broke, in jail, cut off from friends and family, jobless and hopeless of ever finding or holding one. It's alcohol that's responsible for your situation!"   To which the drunk grins, "Thank you for saying so, your honor.  Everybody else thinks it's my fault!"

A young woman new to the fellowship asked her sponsor one night before a meeting a question about sex.  Her sponsor suggested that after the meeting she look in her Big Book and read page 69.  The young woman got confused and read page 96 which reads: 

         " Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once.  Search out another alcoholic and try again.  You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer.  We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you."

A drunk reeling up the street said to a passer by, "Shay, can you direct me to the Alcoholics Shanonymous?"  "What's the matter?" asked a helpful one.  "Do you want to join?"  "No." said the drunk.  "I want to resign."

The alcoholic was walking along the beach when he saw a bottle.  He stopped and rubbed it and a genie popped up.  "You have 3 wishes," said the genie.  The alcoholic said, "I'll take a bottle of Jim Beam that is never empty."  Whamo he has s a bottle that is never empty and starts to drink.  The genie taps him on the shoulder and says, "and what are your other 2 wished?"  "Oh," say the alcoholic, "I'll have 2 more like this one."

It's all right to drink like a fish if you drink what a fish drinks.

A drunk in a bar was telling others how he learned how not to take the first drink:  "I order the first drink and set it aside. Then I order a second drink, a third drink and so forth. But that first drink never gets touched."

Two traveling salesmen were choking down beer in a taken in a town they were visiting.  "This brew is absolutely awful!" remarked one of them. "You've right," answered the other, who had a drinking problem.  "I'll sure be glad when I've had enough."

Said the tipsy driver to the highway patrolmen who pulled him over, "I wish you people would get your act together!  Last night you took my license away, now you wanna see it!"

Alcohol has a definite color scheme; it gives you a red nose; a black eye; a white liver; a yellow streak; and a blue outlook.

The mother of a small boy had a Scotch on the rocks for a nightcap, then went upstairs to kiss junior goodnight.  The child opened his eyes and said, "Mommy!  You're wearing Daddy's perfume!"

"How on earth did you come to be so completely intoxicated?" asked the judge.  "Well, I got into bad company, Your Honor," replied the drunk. "You see, there were four of us. I had a bottle of whiskey--and, well, the other three just wouldn't touch the stuff.

Irritated Wife:  What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby:  It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

A drunk stood before a court judge.  The judge said:  "You were arrested for being drunk an setting a hotel bed on fire.  What have you got to say for yourself?" "It's damn lie judge," yelled the prisoner, "The bed was on fire when I got into it."

We did a lot of exercising when we were drinking:  hitting the bottle, beating ourselves up, bending the rules, stretching the truth, jogging our memory, running into trouble, jumping to conclusions, stepping on toes, climbing the walls, dodging responsibility, pushing our luck, pulling the wool over people's eyes, walking over people, carrying a grudge, throwing fits, and picking up the pieces.

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

One dark and stormy night, a man of the cloth was working late in his study when he heard a knock at his door.  There in the wind and the rain stood an inebriated woman.  "Reverend," she said, "my drinking has gotten so bad, I want to take the pledge. I'm ready - I'll never drink again as long as I live!"  "Well," the minister said, "you're certainly welcome to come in, but I don't think I have an actual copy of the pledge." "That's all right, sir," the drunk replied, "I know it by heart."

Brenda is home as usual, making dinner, then Tim her husband's best friend and co-worker at the Guiness brewery, knocks on her door.  "Brenda, may I come in" he asks.  "I've something to tell ya."  "Of course you can Tim, you're always welcome here."  But where's John my hubbie?"  "That's what I'm here to tell you about Brenda.  There was an accident at the brewery."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Where's John, was he hurt?" she screams out.  Tim reaches out for her and tells her John is dead.  After a few moments she asks what happened.  Tim tells her that John fell into a vat and then she asked if he went quickly or did he suffer.  Tim replies, "John, did not suffer at all.  Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking, drinking their beer.  All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"  The driver says, "Don't worry.  Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work our perfectly.  First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead.  Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.  He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license.  And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers.  "we haven't had a thing to drink tonight." Well, I've to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "You see, Officer," says the drunk," we're both alcoholics and we're on the Patch!"

A drunk walked into his regular bar one night with two burned ears.  His alarmed buddy asks, "What happened to your ears" "Well," sighs the tippler, "I get home last night and the wife is ironing.  The phone rings and I answer the iron by mistake." "That's one ear, how's you get the other?"  "Wouldn't you know," the lush hollers, "the minute I hang up the s.o.b. calls back!"