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Cow Jokes

 

 


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It's a funny old world. One minute you can have no interest in cows whatsoever - the next, by some bizarre twist of a higher power, you find you are alcoholically searching the Internet for jokes about them...

And even stranger is the discovery that dairy farmers frequently include cow jokes on their websites.

Awful jokes. Jokes that could only possibly appeal to a person long acquainted with our four legged friends.

Too long, I suspect, from reading some of these.

But here, for your errr.... entertainment... is a selection. This is what normal people find funny....

 

My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...
And now she thinks she's a horse.

What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains


What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia (not too bad, this one)

Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"......
Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!"


Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'


Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.

What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"


How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowlculator

Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry

Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat


What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Moo- moos

What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work

Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" "Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!" 

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? .... A MILK DUD!

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."

From a Reuter bulletin: Twenty-two pregnant cows worth more than $2,000,000 were electrocuted in a freak accident in England when lightning struck a metal pen they were housed in. "I have heard of odd cows being struck by lightning, but never this many in one go before," said chief herdsman Les Timbrell. (This was included as a joke.... really!!)

Enough already.... here's an AA joke to compare

A gent was having a medical checkup and finally confessed that he went on binges.  "How often?" asked the MD.  "About once a month," answered the patient.  And how long do they last?"  "Around thirty days."

and another....

A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees the glass as half full, an economist sees the glass as too large, an alcoholic sees the glass as pointless.

and here's one I robbed from somewhere... (he knows who he is,oh yes...)

This guy is sitting in a bar - drunk, and he asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?"

The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

A few minutes later everybody at the bar hears this loud scream from out of the bathroom and wonders what the hell is going on in there. A few minutes go by and, again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream coming from the bathroom.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.  He knocks on the door and asks the drunk,  "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk says,  "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "Well, no wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

and after all that hilarity let me gently "steer" you (a cow pun...gedditt!) back to some good old AA wisdom:

  • Love of sobriety will keep us sober longer then fear of drinking.

  • We should go to meetings to hear voices other then our own.

  • The program doesn't a have time schedule or requirements, just some pretty darn good suggestions that should be followed immediately

  • Types of alcoholics:  1) those drinking, 2) those not drinking, 3) those in recovery.

  • Sponsorship; when one candle is used to light another, nothing is lost but more light is obtained.

  • Recovery can't take place without abstinence; but abstinence is not recovery. 

  • We have a threefold disease; physical, emotional, and spiritual, thus our recovery must be on these three levels.

  • If we were dragged into court and accused of being an A.A. member, would there be enough evidence to convict us?

  • How long should we keep going to AA meetings?  Until we die of something else.

  • We need to make plans in recovery but we should write them on paper and not in concrete.

  • Although we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our recovery.

  • If we fail to change the person we were when we came into AA, the same person will take us out.

  • What we nourish will flourish.

The alcoholic's daily prayer..."So far today, God, I've done all right.  I haven't had a drink, haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty or self-centered.  I'm really glad about that.  But in few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and then I'm going to need a lot of help.  Thank You."

Moooo.